Catherine Zeta-Jones Made Commander of the Order of the British Empire—Invades Belarus

By guest author and creator of the hit blog KateMiddletonForTheWin.tumblr.com, Anne Victoria Clark


















LONDON -- Citizens of Belarus got a rude awakening this morning, as hundreds of British troops crossed the unassuming, largely agricultural country's border and immediately toppled their government. This turn of events came shortly after renowned Welsh actress Catherine Zeta-Jones was made honorary Commander of the Order of the British Empire. The honor was bestowed upon her by Prince Charles for her acting career and charity work. Upon the completion of the ceremony at Buckingham Palace, Zeta-Jones immediately departed for the Ministry of Defense where she issued the order to immediately invade the small Eastern European country. "Typically, we wouldn't enter into combat operations so swiftly," said General Sir David Richards, current professional head of the British Armed Forces, "but due to stifling protocols dating back to the 19th century, all CBEs are immediately granted commanding power over the nation's armed forces."

The troops were recalled and peace was restored after a swift act of parliament and a small settlement was paid to the Belarusian people. Zeta-Jones has since had her CBE title amended to prevent further military action. When asked why she felt compelled to invade, Zeta-Jones pointed to her devastating lunch that day, claiming her lobster bisque was too cold, her iced tea was too hot and her service was, and I quote, "You know how they can be so attentive that it's annoying?"

This is not the first time Great Britain has had to deal with the consequences of its honors. When Kevin Spacey received the honor in 2010, he commandeered several war ships and surrounded the Canary Islands in a stand-off that lasted almost a week. Similarly, Sir Ian McKellen's ceremony in 1979 resulted in his attacking the Notre Dame Cathedral on horseback in full battle armor.

Study Finds Numbers Are Getting Bigger

A government study published last friday has made some startling observations. It turns out that there has been a steady trend for more than 3,000 years of numbers actually getting bigger. In the 1700's, people only spoke about and thought about and used numbers in the hundreds. In the mid 1900's, those numbers reached the millions. The 1980's and 90's brought about the common use of the term "billions," and now we're already in the trillions. There's no telling where this trend will lead or what damage these enormous numbers will cause. Scientists are predicting "quadrillion" to be made popular by the end of the decade and "quintillion" by 2025. It is believed that as long as calculators and screens get wider, these numbers will continue to grow. As for ways to move forward in order to help mitigate the effects of these unstoppable digits, all we can agree on is that no one will agree on anything.

Caught Red-Handed and Candid

In our new segment we explore celebrities and politicians who have forgotten that they live in the 21st century, a time in which every human being has an audio and video recording device in their pocket. This past week, former NPR fundraiser, Ron Schiller, was quoted as calling the tea party “racist.” While true, the Tea Party was angered that Schiller didn’t specify which race. The Tea Party clarified by stating that they hate black people, but also Muslims, and that they really love to double-hate black Muslims from the 50's.

Fellow fake news correspondent, Bill O’Reilly, was tricked into a candid conversation by a prank caller pretending to be Jesus. While Jesus was calling on behalf of the Democratic National Committee, Bill admitted to being a Twitter follower of Jesus, but said that the two men parted ways politically.

Our final piece in today’s segment involves secret Russian wiretaps of esteemed American scientists. The Americans can be overheard making racist remarks about the universe, blaming its entire existence on “dark” matter. African American matter could not be reached for comment.

In other news, Charlie Sheen discovered Twitter.

Politicians Cry Wolf Over Spilled Milk

A glass of spilled milk has been soaking into the carpet of the White House for at least the past two years now. The mess was found in the Oval Office shortly after President Barack Obama was sworn in. Democrats have claimed that the previous administration was responsible for the mess but Republicans fought back, arguing that the quagmire started during the Clinton era. Libertarians pointed to the nearby open window and claimed that a wolf may have gotten in and knocked over the cup.

Independents aren’t sure who made the mess, despite having ample evidence and video footage of the glass being knocked over. In the end, Independents just keep being swayed by whichever group speaks last. Meanwhile, gridlock has prevented anything from getting done.

A scientific study just released found that an absorbent cloth and a dabbing motion would do the trick, but Republicans sent out an official twitter response stating that “not all the facts are in on this whole science thing yet.” Obama sent in snipers, spilled a larger glass of milk over the original spill, and scolded the milk for three hours but nothing seemed to work. Finally, Obama made a middle of the road compromise, deciding to go with a non-absorbent cloth to clean up the mess. The mess is still there and slightly bigger, but everyone at least feels like something was accomplished.

Supreme Court Rules the 4th Amendment Unconstitutional

In the landmark case of Constitution v. Constitution, a 5-4 Supreme Court decision ruled that the 4th Amendment to the Constitution is unconstitutional. Prosecutors successfully argued that the Search and Seizure Amendment, which says it is illegal to search and seize property without probable cause, limits and restricts the freedoms of the government and corporations to freely wiretap and spy on Americans. With this historic decision comes new rights for the once silenced and unrepresented private and public sectors. Corporations, who once didn't even have the right to vote, are now able to live and breathe freely in the nation they call home, even if their headquarters are a mailbox on a Pacific island.

The United States of Reagan Proposal Moves Forward

Following a push by Republicans to have Ronald Reagan added to Mt. Rushmore, a series of new proposals have been put on the table. Congressman Eric Cantor (R) made a motion to Congress and the Pope to make Reagan a Saint. Others, like Michelle Bachman of Minnesota (R), have called for his knighthood. Unprompted, she also went on to call Barack Obama an anti-colonial, educated elitist while using air quotes and a sarcastic tone.

Texas schoolboards have already removed from their textbooks any mention of Reagan granting amnesty to 2.6 million illegal immigrants, his pro-abortion rights legislation, and the six separate occasions in which he raised taxes. When Democrats pointed out the differences between modern day conservatism and the true ideology and complexity of Ronald Reagan, Republicans responded by putting their fingers in their ears and repeating, "La la la la la. I can't hear you." Added to the textbooks to fill in the gaps were tales of Reagan's epic battles against Russia where he flew into Moscow, stole their nukes and threw them into the sun with his own two hands.

On Friday, in an effort to one-up Michelle Bachman, John Boehner (R) introduced legislation on the House Floor calling for Ronald Reagan to become our nation's official lord, savior and eternal president. The religion would be called the Reaglican Church and its bible would be the United States Constitution, minus a few amendments (such as freedom from religion, and the prohibiting of unreasonable search and seizure so as to enforce the newfound religion).

In unrelated news, during a ceremony in the Rose Garden, Jesus, God, Allah, Moses and Spiderman came down from Heaven and touched Obama on the head but no one seemed to notice.

The Puppies for Babies Bill Stalls Again

Congressional Democrats held a secret backdoor meeting on Saturday to discuss a surprising trend in Washington politics. It came to their attention that Republicans have been and are willing to block every bill that the Democrats propose, no matter how benign or reasonable the bill is. As a result, Democrats have introduced the Puppies for Babies bill. This bill would simply acknowledge that babies and puppies are cute and should be cared for instead of tortured and killed.

Republican leaders made an official statement yesterday regarding the bill, claiming that, "While this is a tough bill to be against, we will fight it every step of the way." Republicans have made it clear that they are going to go with the "Freedom Argument," which states that any bill proposed by a Democrat is an overreach of power. They claim the bill is another example of big government, and that the government should only serve the purpose of providing a military and tax cuts for billionaires. Democrats are expected to backpedal and cave in to Republicans' demands as usual.