Supreme Court Rules the 4th Amendment Unconstitutional

In the landmark case of Constitution v. Constitution, a 5-4 Supreme Court decision ruled that the 4th Amendment to the Constitution is unconstitutional. Prosecutors successfully argued that the Search and Seizure Amendment, which says it is illegal to search and seize property without probable cause, limits and restricts the freedoms of the government and corporations to freely wiretap and spy on Americans. With this historic decision comes new rights for the once silenced and unrepresented private and public sectors. Corporations, who once didn't even have the right to vote, are now able to live and breathe freely in the nation they call home, even if their headquarters are a mailbox on a Pacific island.

The United States of Reagan Proposal Moves Forward

Following a push by Republicans to have Ronald Reagan added to Mt. Rushmore, a series of new proposals have been put on the table. Congressman Eric Cantor (R) made a motion to Congress and the Pope to make Reagan a Saint. Others, like Michelle Bachman of Minnesota (R), have called for his knighthood. Unprompted, she also went on to call Barack Obama an anti-colonial, educated elitist while using air quotes and a sarcastic tone.

Texas schoolboards have already removed from their textbooks any mention of Reagan granting amnesty to 2.6 million illegal immigrants, his pro-abortion rights legislation, and the six separate occasions in which he raised taxes. When Democrats pointed out the differences between modern day conservatism and the true ideology and complexity of Ronald Reagan, Republicans responded by putting their fingers in their ears and repeating, "La la la la la. I can't hear you." Added to the textbooks to fill in the gaps were tales of Reagan's epic battles against Russia where he flew into Moscow, stole their nukes and threw them into the sun with his own two hands.

On Friday, in an effort to one-up Michelle Bachman, John Boehner (R) introduced legislation on the House Floor calling for Ronald Reagan to become our nation's official lord, savior and eternal president. The religion would be called the Reaglican Church and its bible would be the United States Constitution, minus a few amendments (such as freedom from religion, and the prohibiting of unreasonable search and seizure so as to enforce the newfound religion).

In unrelated news, during a ceremony in the Rose Garden, Jesus, God, Allah, Moses and Spiderman came down from Heaven and touched Obama on the head but no one seemed to notice.

The Puppies for Babies Bill Stalls Again

Congressional Democrats held a secret backdoor meeting on Saturday to discuss a surprising trend in Washington politics. It came to their attention that Republicans have been and are willing to block every bill that the Democrats propose, no matter how benign or reasonable the bill is. As a result, Democrats have introduced the Puppies for Babies bill. This bill would simply acknowledge that babies and puppies are cute and should be cared for instead of tortured and killed.

Republican leaders made an official statement yesterday regarding the bill, claiming that, "While this is a tough bill to be against, we will fight it every step of the way." Republicans have made it clear that they are going to go with the "Freedom Argument," which states that any bill proposed by a Democrat is an overreach of power. They claim the bill is another example of big government, and that the government should only serve the purpose of providing a military and tax cuts for billionaires. Democrats are expected to backpedal and cave in to Republicans' demands as usual.

Cut the Crap, C

A recent government study found that the letter “C” in the word, “indicted” is utterly useless and unnecessary. Democrats originally proposed leaving it to the people to choose whether or not they will continue to use the letter “C.” Republican leaders railed against the plan, claiming it would lead to untold deaths and possibly, the end of America as we know it. Republicans accused Democrats of being socialists for proposing such a bill, which they say is nothing short of adhocracy. Senate Democrats responded by offering a compromise plan similar to the one leading Republicans supported in the early 90’s. This plan would include a government mandate requiring all uses of the word “indicted” to remove the letter “C.” Republicans are now saying the plan is unconstitutional and that it would lead to dogs marrying aliens. Stalemate ensued, nothing was accomplished and no one was indicted.